"Train up a child in the way they should go; even when they are old, they will not depart from it." - Proverbs 22:6

May is HARD. 

You'd think with seven years of fumbling through this I would be better equipped? Not so much. God created us so beautifully, it's hard not to be in awe of His perfect design, but at the moment it just feels irritating. It's amazing that there's a little factory in our brain, the Olfactory, that catalogs memories by smell. If only we got to choose how this functioned, those most unpleasant memories that surface with a whiff of something, I wish we could label those as 'Do Not Disturb' on the shelves of our frontal lobe. 

The changing of the seasons, from winter into summer, it comes with so many aromas...all of which are stark reminders of a time in my life that ground me to dust. While most Alaskan's are elated to see the snow retreat, uncovering the grass. For me, it transports me back to 2017... sitting with my mom, using the snowbanks out the window to assure her that by the time they were gone, she would be too. Who would have thought that snow melting would create such trauma?

I can't decide if I feel incredibly blessed to have such a terrible ache in my chest chronically, as it is evidence of a deep love and subsequently a deep loss, or if there is a part of me that feels discouraged that even after enduring seven May's...it doesn't get any easier.

I think my children entering into young adulthood has increased the depth of my grief exponentially. I am very unsure why the Lord didn't consider that I might need my mom for this season. I know it is selfish to grumble about her absence when I know where she resides, and yet here I am whining. She really tried to give me all her wisdom before she departed, it was just too hard for me to comprehend what she was saying. I had a seven- and ten-year-old, and when she told me that someday my children would break my heart...I didn't understand what that meant. I do now. And I want desperately to share that anguish with her now. 

I have beautiful children, who have morphed into kind and amazing humans. But I wasn't prepared for the part of parenting where they have the right to exercise their free will. No matter what foundation we lay out for our children, or how much we love and protect them, that free can be a beast. I find myself empathizing with my Heavenly Father, as I now have a sliver of insight into how it feels when your child starts choosing for themselves how they want to think, feel, and live out their lives. It may not mirror what you had hoped for them. When they were little, you had this amazing measure of control over those things. And being a well-meaning mom who loves her children I always did what I thought was best. But now they are embarking into the world, and they have freedom to choose for themselves. I can tell you one thing...nothing will improve your prayer life like teenagers. 

I know that all parents assume they are enduring the hardest time culturally to raise children...but I am confident that my generation, and those that will follow, really ARE. Boy did we flub it up too. We bravely led the way parenting generation screen, we were given zero tools to do so, and by golly we sure gave the next generations a road map of what NOT to do. Hindsight is always 20/20. I would give anything to hop in the Delorian and go back to when my kids were babies and change so many things. If you are just starting out on this amazing journey that we call parenting, if I could give you one snippet of wisdom...don't give your kids screens. The inconvenience of them not having a phone or tablet will never outweigh the wake of destruction it will bring into your life.

The world has access to your children in ways that are so far reaching. Satan wants to devour and destroy, and we gave him the key into our homes through technology. I have a front row seat to the impact it has on kids, not just my own, but working in the public school system. One of the few schools mind you that don't allow the kids to use their phones during school. 

Satan is cunning too. He dresses up the evil things that defile us to look like things that will bring us joy, fulfillment, and happiness. He uses algorithms to keep a steady flow of influence and propaganda, and the sneakiest of his tricks is using a narrative that parents are ignorant & old fashioned. I think the greatest tool the enemy has is the fracturing of God's design for families. The indoctrination begins subtly, then slowly bleeds out until God's purpose for our lives in rendered lifeless. 

There's a part of me that feels utterly defeated. Helpless to all the things I must have done wrong, and hopeless that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Disillusioned by the magnitude of what lies ahead. But there's a bigger part of me that KNOWS, God is good. He will work all these hard things for good. I can't control, manipulate, or even bargain an outcome when it comes to my children. I can TRUST in Him. I can pray that God will burn out the darkness with his light in their lives, and that as they endure the singe of refinement that comes with their choices...they will not only learn to love the Lord, but it will ignite a fire within them to serve Him with their lives. 

I know I am not alone; I see the haggard faces of fellow moms in the trenches. I know that I am in good company, even if pride disparages us from being vulnerable and sharing the gory details with one another. I have been humbled in ways I couldn't have anticipated by my kids. It is in this place that I am very cognizant that our lives are not individual. Our choices are like pebbles tossed into a pond, and the effects ripple out far and wide. I can no longer snatch the rock out of their tiny little fingers, those days are gone, now I just get to ride the wake.

Aiden and Charlee are my harvest, and this scripture has been laid on my heart every single time I want to wring my hands in defeat. A reminder that I need to keep sewing those seeds of God's truth into their lives and then allowing God, whose experience surpasses mine, to cultivate their hearts and minds. I know that I may never get to see the harvest this side of heaven, but I will toil all the days of my life in hopes that both of my precious kids choose Jesus.