Give me a GOLD star cause I lost a SILVER!

That took longer than I had expected…guess the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to STOP expecting! I feel like although I still have FOUR more goals to meet, I’m in a really good routine and have stuck with it for longer than I think I ever have before. Granted I have most certainly fell off the old wagon…but usually that would be the END of the run and I would take a week, or two, or maybe a month to sulk and binge. Definitely the most counterproductive course of action to choose for someone desiring to lose weight. Usually I would gain back what I lost and then some.  What makes the past two months different? GOD. Diets and exercise programs can only take you so far if you don’t fix what is truly ailing you. I think for the past ten years He was always waiting in the wings for me to give this over to him entirely, but I either thought I could do a better job, or that something as ‘petty’ as losing weight wasn’t something to concern the Lord with. Sometimes we have to reach that place of hopelessness and defeat to throw in the towel. I watch my own children choose to disobey me, and do things their own way. It is the hardest thing on this earth to watch these little humans that have your entire heart struggle and suffer through consequence, but you also realize that enduring through them will ultimately make them better humans in the long run. And usually they take heed to your wisdom then next go round. I am certain that is how God feels watching us. For me the change started in my heart before it reflected on the scale. And I am still very much a work in progress, it just doesn’t feel so discouraging and hopeless anymore. My biggest concern from the very beginning was that I didn’t want to trade my love for food for a love of myself. To many times you read stories about people who have lost substantial amounts of weight and their self loathing transforms into self worship. How could it not if your entire focus is on your body? First at how much you hate it, then to how much you love it. I don’t want to just trade my addiction, even if it is for a “healthier” alternative…because the bottom line is that anything that takes God’s place in your life is an idol, even something as positive as health and wellness.

For my next goal I am going to use a car tire as my 20 pound item. It was fun losing a salmon, and hard to believe I had managed to live with that extra weight on my body. Losing a tire should be equally fun, and the imagery is especially enlightening. I am excited to FEEL the difference this summer when we hit the trails for hiking. I go regardless of my size, but my misery should be substantially less! In this photo I’m midway up a very steep mountain in Turnagain Pass. It wasn’t a marked hike, no trail to follow…it was just a mountain that my mom thought needed climbed. To support her, my husband and I decided we would take her. Granted my husband is a mountain goat and not entirely human so he makes even the most arduous of tasks look easy. He mapped out our route, we bushwhacked through the dead fireweed that amazingly towered over our heads. I’m not even going to lie, I was done before we even got started. I was crawling on my hands and knees and thought of a million excuses to quit. But my mom was right there with me, encouraging me to keep going, my husband? Well he would have been cheering me on but he was trail blazing ahead, trying to find the best/safest route to get us non-billy goats up the vertical slope. We didn’t realize the route he would select would be a waterfall. It isn’t the safest of hikes when the best path is up a waterfall. It was rainy, cold, and the higher we climbed the wind blew harder. But each time we stopped to catch our breath (well, okay so they stopped so I could catch my breath usually)  we would turn around and see the car was getting smaller and smaller, and the views were getting more beautiful with every step. We had to call it quits 2/3′s of the way up, realizing that although it was amazing that we had managed to make our way up, we also had to scale our way back down. Shale, waterfalls, and mud didn’t look appealing! Mom and Sully hiked up to a rock ledge and vandalized the rock face behind them, a bright orange cross to let people know, “Hey!!!! We climbed this beast!” While they did that I ate Sully’s Snickers Bar out of his backpack. I didn’t even feel guilty, I thought I was partaking of my last meal. I know that trip up no-name mountain wasn’t much of an EVENT for my husband, but for me, that was EPIC! And I would very much love to do that exact hike again when I meet me goal, to experience the difference. I cannot even imagine hiking that without an extra 60/70/80 pounds. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t EVER think I will be able to contend with my husband…like I said, he’s not human…but I remember vividly the emotions I had that entire hike, and I  imagine those feelings would be entirely different if I wasn’t carrying the burden that I am now on my body.

My final thoughts…at least for today...go to the WHY. Why is my weight loss important, Why do I want this? If you had asked me this a few years ago my answer would be very superficial. My reasons now have much more substance, much more purpose. I don’t care if I can ever rock a bikini again, or if people think I’m pretty…the shallow reasons that motivated me once upon a time. I want to be healthy so that I can do the things God has planned for me effectively. I want to set a good example for my kids, and for others who have the same struggle. Our life here is on earth is short, and when you use that precious time to self satisfy that’s just a grossly inappropriate waste of a gift. Whether we live to eat, or live to accumulate wealth, or live to do drugs, or live to work out…all of the above is self seeking. I want to live for a  higher purpose.
This picture was taken in August of 2014 on yet another one of my weight loss attempts. My very dear sweet friend Rodney commented on it. Rodney went home to be with the Lord last May, and it was a tremendous loss for many. He was someone who always encouraged me, inspired me, and loved me regardless of the size of my jeans. I wish I had figured things out in time for him to see me succeed, because he played a huge part in me learning all of the above. He taught me a valuable lesson about life, and just how important it is to make the most of the time we are given. I don’t want my weight to be my legacy, I want my heart for the Lord to be what people remember about me when I’m gone.