Pursuing Joy

I can’t tell you how many times I missed out on something because of my weight. I had bought into the lie that my size was a limitation. I comforted myself with the consolation that when I was thinner I would partake. Unfortunately skinny never showed up and I suddenly realized I was wasting my life away waiting for skinny. My kids were still little and I wanted them to have memories. I couldn’t put their little lives on hold till I got my crap together…so I started to do…what I, and many others believed was impossible.

It isn’t easy. Every time I’m on a hike and see a sister  in the same situation as I am, sweat pouring off her face and a look that screams, “Please just put me out of my misery” I just want to hug her. Because I know, I know that the skinny hikers that pass you along the trail barely breaking a sweat and chattering about this being merely a warm up have no freaking clue! I sympathize that a half mile hike up a hillside feels more like trying to make your way up Mount Everest. I fight those urges to stick my foot out when a bouncy blonde whose yoga pants and sports bra highlights that she has zero flaws skips past me as I stop for the gazillionth time to catch my breath and talk myself out of jumping off the cliff I just climbed up. Okay, okay I’m just kidding, all you skinny hot ladies don’t be stress’n!

Sometimes I surprise myself, I have put more miles on my tennies  than a lot of skinny chica’s out there. I took up snowmobiling, fishing, and various other fun activities over the years and I won’t lie, all of them are harder because of my size. I am still in pursuit of the ever elusive skinny, but in the meantime I am not afraid to get out there and make memories with my kids, or to enjoy my life. Thankfully I have an amazing family and supportive group of friends that encourage me in this. There have been some serious hikes that I wanted to just give up, and they pushed me to finish. I gotta say the rejoicing that went on at the top of those mountains was epic. Finding those people in your life is key. People who have every reason in this world to give up on you but instead encourage, support, and rejoice!

I always worried that people would judge me. That they would see me out hiking, walking, biking, fishing, or snowmobiling and make fun of me. I worried that my out of shapeness would slow everyone down, and that it would be miserable. I assumed that I was physically incapable of doing what my healthy counterparts were able to do. And you know what? Sometimes that is exactly what happened! But I learned that none of the above really matters. If people want to make fun of you because you are trying, that is on them! I slow everyone down all the time, I just blame it on the kids saying “We gotta stop, the kids need a break!” And I will attest when your are 50+ pounds overweight even the littlest hikes are going to be a lot harder for you than those that are in great shape, maybe suggest they put on a 50 pound pack to even things out! Hahaha! For some reason they never actually do it, but it helps them gain a little perspective as to why you are wheezing and about to barf while there are NOT.

 

Although for the most part I lead a very active lifestyle despite my weight, I am still caught in that ‘waiting for skinny’ train of thought. It is something I fight daily…and it affects my life more than I want to give it credit for. It can be a very negative goal, because for me skinny represents 130 pounds (obviously each person has their own ideal for skinny). And if I were to pause my life till I reached that goal there really is no telling how much my family and I would suffer, how much we would miss, and how much I would resent myself and be resented for it. So I’m switching up the mantra to ‘pursuing Joy’. You see I can’t really attain skinny status by waiting around. And all the activities that I want to do with my family/friends will only help me achieve my goals sooner. So the more I get out there, the closer I will be to where I want to be.

Today I hiked three miles with my family, and thankfully even though I am currently at my heaviest weight I was able to out hike my kids, and I didn’t feel nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I was able to show them, mommy hasn’t given up yet. I was able to spend the day playing in the snow, walking, talking, and having fun all while taking steps to get healthier. My prayer is that weight loss doesn’t consume me the way that weight gain has, but that my true pursuit will be to find my Joy. Because nobody is that number on the scale, it doesn’t define us…unless we allow that. I want to be the same active, outgoing, and fun loving mom, whether I do that at 230 pounds or 130…and everything in between.