Don't let the past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you will become...

I am tired. I can almost remember what if felt like to like my body, to look in the mirror and see more than just flaws. I spent the first five years of my adult life in a very abusive relationship, married to a man who deeply wounded my self confidence. I don't know how much of that life I subconsciously hold onto. You'd think that after meeting and marrying a man, who in every single fiber of his being is the opposite of my ex, would have solved everything...but it didn't.

I remember when I reconnected with Sully. I actually sought him out because he was the bad boy from high school. I was the good girl back then; I went to church, never even tried drugs or alcohol, and forget sleeping around...I didn't even smooch a guy until I was nearly through my senior year! Then there was Sully. He was the charming, athletic, outgoing, and downright adorable guy who had that troubled backstory that made all the girls overlook his bad boy ways...because buried underneath it all you couldn't help but see the good. There were plenty of ladies who tried to unearth that in him too. If he had given me the opportunity I am sure I would have gladly let him break my heart in high school as well, but as he so eloquently stated in my yearbook he was always otherwise engaged.

I never really thought about high school after I graduated and moved to St. Louis for college. I met my ex husband when I was seventeen and was married soon after I turned eighteen, much to the dismay of my parents. So many people tried to talk us out of it, and there were so many warning signs...but I was bound and determined to ignore them all. I assumed LOVE could conquer anything. Later I realized you really need to understand love in it's totality before embarking into marriage, and more importantly not confusing it with lust.

I'd rather not rehash the five years that I weathered the hurricane that was my marriage...but I do remember when the turmoil in my life found calm. Sully may never truly understand the significance he had in my survival through that time. I needed a friend, someone who knew me from a simpler time, the real me, not the shell of a person I had become. We talked for over a year, about nothing in particular. I tried to salvage my marriage, he was enjoying the single life of a tropical fish relocater in Hawaii (doesn't that sound fancy? Come to find out he was the bad guy in the finding Nemo movie...the diver who caught the fishies that go to be sold for people's aquariums lol) needless to say neither of us were looking for romance, but I think both of us were in desperate need of a tether home.

Eventually my marriage ended, and if I were completely honest I was a hot mess. I had been told for so long that I was worthless that I believed I had nothing of value to offer anyone. I was angry at God, I was angry at men, and I was certain that marriage was a cruel joke. I packed my bags and planned a ten day Hawaiian getaway....watch out Sully, here comes trouble! The plan was to protect my heart, no getting attached, no more relationships and drama...and I might have gotten away with that had it been anyone else...but not Sully.

I can still remember what he wore to pick me up from the airport. I hadn't expected to see the scrawny buzz cut boy from high school, he had sent me photos of him and his shenanigans over the years, but believe me when I say the photos didn't do him justice. I think immediately I knew it was I who was in trouble. It had been six years since we had graduated from Nikiski High School and ventured off into our adult lives. Me moving to Missouri and him entering into the USMC and eventually to his life on Oahu. Even though for over a year we had shared the good, bad, and the ugly with one another I still expected it to be awkward...but it was seamless.

I never went home. That night was really just the beginning to our story. I took him to task more than he deserved, because in a way I jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I went from my ex to Sully without the pause in-between that likely would have been used to heal, and recover. Although I wouldn't change any of it now, because it led me to this beautiful life that I am living. I know that over the years we've both brought our fair share of baggage along the way, unfairly punishing each other for the hurts caused by the people in our past. I guess that's true in most marriages to some degree.

But for me, the burden that I carry from my past is very much evident on my waistline. Sadly no matter what Sully says, or does, to prove his love...I entertain doubt. Why is it that I cling so tightly to deceit that I am unworthy, unkindness displayed by a human who doesn't deserve the real estate I seem to give him in my mind and yet I cannot accept the truth that is demonstrated consistently by a human who is more than deserving of a break from my crazy.

Damaged goods. Hard to believe that after eleven years I still haven't gotten it all figured out, and even more amazing is that Sully is still in the fight, unceasingly combating my insecurities. I'm not so sure I would have the fortitude to do the same for him, I am certain he is growing weary. I know I am. Looking back through old photos of when we first started dating I can only imagine how much he misses her. That girl he used to know. I miss her too. Not just the cute wardrobe, or the ability to get dressed up and feel pretty, but the confidence she had. She's now buried beneath layers of fat and shame.

I have made tremendous progress over the last few years, even though the numbers on the scale don't exactly reflect that sentiment. The yo-yoing is disheartening to say the least but I'm on the right track and that is something that encourages me, gives me hope when there was a time I had none. I'm learning what things, or people trigger me to retreat into the comfort of bad habits. And even though I am failing at achieving weight loss goals, I am starting to make headway at fixing what is broken in my life, and ultimately causing the slew of symptoms that expose a diseased spirit.

It is crazy to me that you can be loved...truly loved by others, and the repercussions of one malicious person cause leave such scars. You spend so much time telling yourself that they don't get to determine your worth anymore, that their hold on you is no longer binding. Maybe that is the devils perfect weapon to use against us, the unkindness of others. I realize especially now why God was so bold to reiterate time and time again that we need to seek HIS unconditional love, after all how can we truly love our ourselves as flawed as we are if we don't accept it firsthand from the Father?

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." ~ Luke 12:6-7  I loved this scripture so much I got it tattooed on my arms, in a place that serves as a constant reminder that I am valued, that I am beloved. Not because those around me are failing at displaying those things, but because I am unable to accept it.

I refuse to let this be the end to my story. Failure. Defeat. I know this must be how an addict feels, everyday is a war between you and the desires of your flesh, will you give in to what is easy or fight to overcome. I imagine that will always be the battle...whatever it is that has taken a foothold in your life, whatever it is that takes God's place. For me the war isn't for my physical appearance, it's a war for my soul.

Solomon said in Proverbs 12:18 "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" it makes the childhood rhetoric sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me seem pretty erroneous. Unfortunately Solomon was accurate in his comparison that our tongues are like swords, we have the ability in one fail swoop to cut a person down leaving lasting devastation. What we say matters, how we treat others matters. More importantly than all of that is that there is HOPE and there is healing in Christ. I can't use my past as an excuse to stay stagnant. I feel like I've been treading water for as long as I can remember and it's exhausting. There have been instances when it felt like it would be easier to just stop trying, give up and sink to the bottom already. There have been times my friends and family have thrown me the life preserver, and whether it was sheer stubbornness or maybe shame I declined assistance. But God is telling me to have faith, He isn't just offering me a raft, rather the opportunity to truly trust in Him and walk on water.

"Blessed are those who TRUST in the Lord, they are like trees planted along a riverbank with roots that reach deep into the water..." Jeramiah 17:7

*It's been awhile since I updated...and sadly I am still yo-yoing that initial 30 pounds I lost. Luckily I am on the right track and will be back at losing inanimate objects here shortly. Life just hasn't been kind, one stressful circumstance right after the other it seems...but I'm getting the hang of things, and although I fail...time and time again...my setbacks are fewer and fewer...and I am able to stay the course longer and longer. Work in progress...I am the epitome of that statement!*