Attention all passengers, we have begun our decent, we will be arriving in 2017 shortly...

2016. If I had to sum this year up in one word it would be turbulent. Anyone who knows me, knows that flying is not my favorite thing. I'm an anxious person by nature, throw in a very sensitive equilibrium and the inability to stomach the medications one might prescribe for such a condition, and you have a recipe for a spectacle. Generally I save my crazy for the take-off and landings, but what I hate more than anything is turbulence. I'm suspicious it's because I lack control over my situation and am forced to 'ride it out'. I am sure those around me who are still reading their books, watching their movies, or those lucky ducks who just sleep through it think I'm a nut case as I clutch the arm rests and breathe frantically into a bag trying not to pass out. I would do anything to get off this flight I'm on right now, Flight 2016.

It hasn't been all that bad, but it's in our makeup as humans to focus on that which makes us uncomfortable isn't it? I went all the way back to January and started from the beginning and sorted through my 2016 timeline to get a good perspective of what I would gladly dub 'The Worst Year of my Life' ...thus far of course. We entered this year weary, nursing some pretty serious heartaches from 2015. I would venture to say we just weren't ready for more, but are you ever 'ready' for trails and tribulations really? I will be brutally honest when I say, I have no idea how anyone survives this world without the HOPE that is found in Christ, it was only by His grace that we endured.
As I re-read my posts throughout the year and looked at all the photos of our adventures, I realized that God provided us peace, a chance to catch our breath before the next set of unfortunate rolled in. I wish I had paid closer attention to those moments of calm and savored them, appreciated them more. We don't always have the luxury of knowing what lies ahead, we imagine we have plenty more moments to come. I've had the wind knocked out of me more than once this year in realizing that those plans I made for later will never be, and there is strange place of grief in mourning what I had planned versus the reality that is far less appealing.

I learned a lot in the past couple years, lessons I most certainly didn't want to learn. God's promise to work all things for the good of those who love him in Romans 8:28, I have very much misinterpreted that scripture for most of my life. I had assumed that as long as I loved the Lord that good things would happen, but I realized that the promise was more that God would work through all things (even the most disparaging) for our good, not our comfort, or happiness, or even physical well being. Took me a good minute to wrap my head around that. The 'good' might not always look so good if you look at life through the tunnel vision of this world, rather through the discernment of the holy spirit. There has been a substantial amount of untethering myself to this life that has had to come about, for me to come to terms with the grief and despair we endure when we lose those that we love so dearly.

In my recent blogs I have been transparent in my struggles with my health, weight, and motherhood but have kept my marriage for the most part off the table. I've found that in most cases the people that read your blogs are vested in you, or can identify with you in some way, but there are people who just like to know your dirt. I absolutely understand why people prefer to keep their lives more private, I have had a lot of unsolicited (usually well intentioned) advice since I have started sharing. When you put your stuff out there you open yourself up to opinions and criticism. There are certainly times when I wanted to take it back, but then there are times that someone has reached out and said "hey, I was there and I felt alone...but you encouraged me" and even if just one person can find hope from my crazy, well then I guess having to endure a little berating here and there is worth it.

I have heard hundreds of analogies for marriage, none really struck a chord with me until I heard it compared to 'seasons'. I find that to be the most accurate. A friend once compared her marriage to a roller coaster, and honestly the sight of a roller coaster makes me want to hurl so that was NOT the imagery I wanted. For Sully and I there have undoubtedly been seasons of our marriage, and although not one season I would prefer over the other, each season brought their own hardships. There is something extremely powerful in someone entering into a covenant with you, saying they will love you at your best which quite frankly is very easy to do, but then go a step further and commit to loving you at your worst. What a tremendous statement. Even more impressive is when they actually fulfill that promise. Only you and your spouse know what those deep trenches in those hard times looks like, so only you and your spouse can fully comprehend just what a victory it is that you've not only weathered it, but you can see how it fortified you. Sometimes you look at those around you and you see only what people choose to reveal, often times we get the idea that peoples lives are perfect. That their marriages flawless, homes spotless, kids remarkable...when you look at your own life its hard not to get discouraged. There are days I take the clothes out of the dryer and throw them on the couch and by the end of the week I have the equivalent of Mount Everest in my living room to fold. There are days I drive through McDonald's (I know a few of you just gasped in horror) because the thought of having to make dinner is just overwhelming. I hate to admit it but I don't always hold my tongue when I'm angry and if my parents were still in charge I'd be sucking on a bar of Irish Spring more often than not. I fight with my husband, sometimes over legit issues and sometimes over nothing in particular. We both have our struggles, some more obvious than others, some easier to overcome than others. This year in particular was an extremely tough year on our relationship, and there were times when the landscape of our marriage was far more desolate than we are used to. Sometimes the details are unimportant, because really the root of all our troubles in life is our own selfish nature isn't it? I think marriage is the hardest of all our relationships to nurture, because our families, friends, and even our foes are all less understanding and unforgiving of our shortcomings. We get into bad habits of neglecting each other, mismanaging our time and using our energies elsewhere. Soon that understanding and forgiving nature turns into resentment without us even realizing it's happening. I can't stress how important it is to communicate honestly. I'm your typical woman (yep, I am going to say that the stereotyping is kind of accurate on this one) where I say one thing and mean another. Try doing that for twelve years and not creating a mountain out of molehill. Sully and I have the best friends thing down pat, we can make getting your teeth pulled fun as long as we are together (no really, we've seriously had a blast at the dentist) but we aren't really good at the whole communicating and listening part of marriage. I really wish we hadn't let it get to the ugly place it got recently, but I think we both have learned a lot about ourselves and each other, and with God's amazing grace I think we can navigate this next season of our marriage with a lot more wisdom than we had going into it twelve years ago.

I can't speak for Sully, and I highly doubt he will take up blogging anytime soon, but I will share where I made mistakes, and what I learned. We were all created differently, there are some of us who are gifted at communication and assertiveness, and there are those of us that are not. Me? I would be cast as the cowardly lion in life's re-enactment of The Wizard of Oz. I used to placate myself, saying that God created me to be this way. I thought of my submissive and compliant personality as something that was admirable. But in reality, sometimes you have to call a spade a spade and most often it's dishonest. When used honestly I am certain my personality has a purpose, but even with the best of intentions my good natured-ness has led to my undoing. I think most people in my life don't intend to take advantage of this weakness of mine, although I swear sometimes there must be an illuminated sign on my forehead that reads 'SUCKER' or 'DOORMAT', or maybe we docile types put off some kind of scent that lead the wolves straight to the slaughter. Either way, once the wrong people find out you're weak, they sure pounce. Sully is NOT a wolf, and I believe with all my heart he is, and has been, good intentioned towards me. But he doesn't identify with my personality in that way, he was very much given a more willful personality. I know early on in our relationship there were times I would have preferred he spared my feelings rather than be so forthright with his, although I am now more appreciative of his truth. It can be as simple as answering honestly whether or not he likes my outfit or haircut, or it can be much more complex. Either way, a harsh truth is much better than a kind lie. When you are combining two lives into one, there has to be honest communication. You can't just say you are okay with things you are not, it's unfair. The most important thing to pair with this is choosing your battles. Some things you have to find compromise on, and others you may have to stand your ground. I can't be angry at him when I wasn't honest with him in the first place. I have to appreciate the scripture in Matthew 5:7 where it says "But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one." I always linked that verse with abstinence from swearing in the Lords name, but I think it can be easily be applied here as well. I could have avoided so much heartache over the past decade, scratch that...my entire life...if I had just been brave enough to speak my mind. And if your reading this and find yourself completely bewildered by such a concept then you can safely conclude YOU do not have this problem...you lucky duck!

You know in those marriage vows there is great purpose in what is promised. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Until you have experienced them all you can't comprehend fully what you've committed to, but I can tell you when the human who has promised those things actually fulfills them, there is no greater earthly love possible. We have certainly failed in areas of loving and respecting one another as a couple, but I am so grateful that through all of it there is a strong covenant that tethers us together...for as long as we both shall live. It seems marriage, or the the concept of it has changed in this day and age. One of the perceptions that I don't understand but I hear most often is that the goal to marriage is happiness. It is crazy to me, almost unfathomable really, that a reason for divorce in our culture is that you were 'unhappy'. I know I have burdened Sully a time or two with the job of making me happy, only to disappoint us both gravely. Don't misunderstand me, we should bring happiness to our spouse, striving for that is not a bad thing....but that isn't the purpose of marriage, and it certainly is not a reason to end one. Personally if you put any one person in charge of your happiness, well you are setting you both up for failure. We are flawed, we may not intend to but we undoubtedly will hurt the ones we love. We need to be able to fail, to screw up, to repent, and to be forgiven. I didn't realize early on just how much pressure I had put on Sully to make me happy. When he would fail, it was a catastrophe in our marriage. (Just to be clear his falterings have never been catastrophic in reality, I'm not talking about infidelity...I don't feel like the details are necessary, or productive...and they are not mine to share, but I just wanted to be very clear so no assumptions were made.) I didn't just saddle Sully with the job of keeping me happy either, I put it on my children. In fact when I became a wife and mother I completely lost my individuality. I used to think it was selfless, devoting my all to Sully and the kids, but in the process I lost the person that Sully fell in love with, all the things he saw in me that made him want to spend the rest of his life with, and grow old with were buried beneath a very stressed and agitated human. It would have been a much easier fix a decade ago...old habits die hard unfortunately.

For me I can look back with a clearer perspective and identify why things cascaded into what they are now. You know the old 'hind sight is 20/20'...it's true. And even though we are closing out 2016 fractured and broken, I have nothing but excitement and hope...because everything was laid bear. When you read the bible you see so many analogies for refinement...and NONE are pleasant. My favorite reference is that He is the Potter and we are the clay (Isiah 64:8) anyone who has worked with clay to create knows the process. But realizing that for God to create that masterpiece in us, it's also a process...one that includes molding, cutting, and time in the kiln. 2016 certainly felt a lot like the Refiners fire in our lives. But I have to believe that God's purpose for me, for my family is perfect and I have to trust in the process.

I think as far as Sully and I go the most remarkable, and beautiful thing that has come from this 'turbulent' year was the exposing of things we both very much need to face. I'm not a medical professional and honestly the sight of blood makes me freak out, but I do understand the notion that if you have a wound that is infected, festering, before it can heal it has to be opened up. So we are through the hard part...let the healing begin! It feels like a honeymoon of sorts, this is the next season for us.

I am a New Years Resolutions person, I love to write out my goals and post them up...I am an overachiever without the follow through so I set unattainable goals and then give up. This will be the first time I don't do 'resolutions', instead I am using a quote by Don Miguel Ruiz as my mantra for the year: Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best. and you will avoid self judgment, self abuse, and self regret. Is it really that simple? I hope so.

Happy New Year friends and family...I started this blog for me, to process my own thoughts, but I wanted to share it because I've been on the reciprocating end of others sharing and it made all the difference to realize I wasn't alone in my struggles. Thank you for your encouragement, prayer, and support over the years as I have shared the deepest parts of my soul with you, and thank you most of all for handling it with care. I'm still working with my doctor on fixing the things that are out of whack physically, things that are hindering my ability to lose weight, I am even more excited now that some of the emotional ailments are exposed now so that altogether I have the best chance at success at not only losing weight, but regaining the JOY that I've lost throughout the years. I know that there will be heartache ahead, I know that my mom's battle with cancer will continue to break our hearts as we journey through it, but I know that God has a plan & purpose, and that we are to praise him through ALL of it. Just like in marriage, we can't love conditionally...We have to make an intentional choice to find the good.