“For the Christian, death is not the end of adventure but a doorway from a world where dreams and adventures shrink, to a world where dreams and adventures forever expand.” ~ Randy Alcorn

I thought this would be easier somehow. I had petitioned our Heavenly Father with her, and on her behalf for the suffering to end...but deep down in my heart of hearts I didn't want to accept what the answer to that prayer would look like. As much as I would never begrudge her heaven, It feels like I am being asked to survive without a vital organ. I lost two people, my mom, and my very best friend. Trying to navigate this grief feels insurmountable, and I know if I try and do it alone it will swallow me whole. But if I have learned anything through this experience, it would be that God's grace is sufficient.

This past seven months, as mom walked through this valley, God was faithful. His will wasn't always aligned with ours, and we had to accept things that were exceptionally difficult. Mom led by example though, gracefully surrendering her own will and trusting in His. Along the way He would give us rest, joy, hope, and peace amidst the grief. She was asked to shoulder a pretty tremendous burden, one that I am certain I could not have carried as faithfully as she did. She will always by my hero.

 

On October 11, 2016 we sat in the waiting room of Dr. Hobelhenriech's office, awaiting the biopsy and scan results. We had already been primed that it was likely the return of the insidious breast cancer, but because my very nature conditions me to be optimistic I clung to hope. I listened carefully as they used terms like triple negative, stage 4, terminal, and metastatic. I watched my mom's face as she smiled and joked, trying to be brave for all of us whose expressions resembled horror and disbelief. That night when my mom called me, I just cried, I told her how I just didn't think I could live without her, and she reassured me to be still and allow God to work in this. After we cried, and laughed, and cried some more I took to my knees and begged God to overturn this verdict. And for six months that was my anthem. As her quality of life severely digressed in that seventh month our prayers changed from miraculous healing, to a more somber acceptance of defeat...and ultimately deliverance from her affliction.

 

Cancer is a merciless adversary. There are so many people who have strong opinions in regards to treatment, there is a lot of information out there both in the conventional modern medicine realm and in the naturopathic healing world. The only advice I would ever give to anyone who has to journey this illness is that you have to be your own advocate. You have to do the research, and prayerfully consider your options, and once you've committed to whatever course of action understand that no matter the outcome, GOD is with you, and HIS will be done. I am so thankful for the amount of information out there, it is daunting to sift through it all and to trust your gut even when 'educated' people make you feel stupid. I went toe to toe with my mom's oncologist with information I had spent weeks researching in depth, and it was because of that she was prescribed medication that gave her relief from tormenting nerve pain. I still feel guilt when it comes to my mom's care, I didn't learn things fast enough to get her the quality of life she deserved, and by the time I was informed properly on things she had already endured far more than what was ever reasonable.

 

 

After her diagnosis we started living in the land of lasts...our last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and so on. Each occasion was laced with such sorrow. Unfortunately the alternative to the land of the lasts is navigating the expanse of firsts. I can attest that those are far more painful to traverse. Starting with the first day without her. The landscape of my entire existence has been altered. I remember when I walked into my house the night she passed away, I sat in the dark on my couch and tried to process what couldn't be understood. Normally in such agony I would have called my mom and told her all about my heartbreaking experience. Slowly as my mind began to asses the damage I began to realize it wasn't just in this moment that I would feel that chasm of separation from her, this was my new reality. And to be honest, even now, that thought alone shatters me. I know that time will soften those blows, and I will heal, and ultimately this pain I am experiencing right now is the price of love.

 

 

My mom taught me more than I could ever fully or articulately express, especially in the confines of a blog. When I was with her, all my insecurities melted away, she was my greatest encourager. I remember in high school the best part of my day was coming home after school and sitting at the kitchen table with her. She would cook me a little snack and we'd play UpWords and she would sit and listen to my day. What I found most profound then and throughout my teen and then adult life was she cared more about my walk with God than being popular with me in her advice. There were times she had to practice tough love, because my choices were poor ones, and even in those moments where she was sternly opposed...I felt her love. When I became a parent I realized just how hard that must have been for her, but I am thankful with every fiber of my being that she cared so deeply for me. I am so grateful that I got to experience motherhood with her by my side, and that my children got to experience her as their grandma. We have this treasure trove of memories to sustain us a lifetime. She taught us what selfless love looked like, a true reflection of Christ.

 

 

My mom and I weren't a lot a like, maybe that's why we were two pees in a pod. Her love language was service and mine was affirmation. It's funny to watch as our friendship grew in my adult life, I would write her a million letters singing her praises and she would clean my house and help with my kids. Then slowly as the years stretched on, I'd find note cards of sweet accolades, thanking me for helping her with an act of service. Loving her stretched me out of my comfort zone, and loving me stretched her. I never realized how important of a love language acts of service really is, our time is the most precious thing we have and she gave of hers so freely. Sully is a lot like my mom in that way, and I have learned to recognize just what a beautiful gift that is.

 

 

The only things I am sure of anymore is that THIS WORLD IS NOT OUR HOME, we were created for something more. We really only have one purpose in life, and that is to love God and love others. I know I get caught up in the monotony, sucked into keeping up with Jones's, and distracted by my own selfish pursuits...and then you witness something like this and your snapped back into focus. A couple years ago God showed me an image and at the time it didn't make much sense to me. It was a strange experience, because I was awake not dreaming or anything, but the image was crystal clear in my mind and I knew it wasn't there by my own volition. I was running frantically around a hot air balloon, pounding the stakes in and tying off the ropes. And although I couldn't see His image I knew God was going behind me and cutting the ropes loose. The past few years I have been untethered from so many things that I was very attached to, it has been painful to say the least. I think part of the lesson for me is that I have to trust that God is preparing me for something and I have to stop running around grasping for the ropes to keep me secured to this life. I think we as humans want control, and it is quite the process relinquishing that over to our Heavenly Father. My mom was faithful in that regard, she would have gone to the ends of the earth if he would have asked her to. She had a faith that could move the mountains. I hope as I grow in my walk with Christ I can share in that great TRUST, HOPE, and LOVE with my Father in Heaven. Until then I will try and honor her memory, and live a life that brings glory to God...until we meet again.