Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into Glory ~ Philip Yancy

It's been a month. I didn't know a month could feel more like a year, funny how grief has the ability to affect our perception of time like that. I still have to will myself to believe this is reality, not just a bad dream that I will wake up from eventually. Our escape to Colorado was a pause, a chance to catch our breath, but coming home was hard. It doesn't feel much like home anymore, without her everything feels off-kilter. Those that have made it further in their journeys have assured me the only cure for this is time. What's the old saying? Time heals all wounds...

Life moves on, with or without you though doesn't it...and the things that need dealt with just accumulate. For the past eight months everything was set aside and we rallied together to soak up what was left of Mom's time with us. It really makes you think about where our priorities are in general...when you experience things like this. Why does it take such dire circumstances for us to see the bigger picture? I guess that's part of our flawed human nature. Death and loss is like a tornado that blows through you life, it uproots, destroys, and devastates. Here I sit in the aftermath, amidst the rubble.

 

 

Like the destruction a tornado causes, there is no restoring...you have to rebuild. You can't have the life that once was, it has to be made new. Even my relationship with God feels like it's at ground zero sometimes, another flawed human trait, conditional love. Thankfully God's love is unconditional, and his grace extends far into our imperfect humanity. As I asses the damage it feels overwhelming. Everything is fractured. Where do you even begin?

 

My health both physically and emotionally is the most affected, and probably the best place to start in rebuilding, and likely the hardest to construct. Anyone who has followed my blog knows that I've pursued health and wellness for the past twelve years, and it has often eluded me. There were certainly obstacles in my way. I went to a naturopathic doctor who started me out on a great path, that eventually led my general practitioner to the cause of my myriad of symptoms and ailments. In March they found a genetic blood disease and that I had toxic levels of bromine in my system. I was in Hawaii all of March and figured when I got home I would start addressing the diagnosis when I returned to Alaska. I didn't factor in that my mom's health would deteriorate so rapidly, here we are in June and I haven't even seen my doctor. How does one get bromine poisoning you might ask? According to my doctor, we can't definitively pinpoint the source, however the ONLY thing it could be is Diet Mt. Dew. So all of you Mountain Dew drinkers, be aware that you are ingesting poison, a poison that causes you to be iodine deficient, it taxes your kidneys, wreaks havoc on your thyroid, and affects your neurologic system. It's not like I didn't know soda pop was unhealthy, but I had no clue about bromine and the effects it has on your body. So now begins to arduous task of detoxing.

 

 

 

I am not even sure if the detox from Bromine and eventually the treatment for my blood disease will alleviate my never-ending battle with the bulge, but I'm going to attempt yet again to get back on the old wagon and beat this. Sadly the past eight horrid months of loss I managed to gain...stepping on the scale today I had to face just how much...237.7 pounds. Feels like rock bottom. But even seeing the largest number I've ever seen projecting across the screen of my scale didn't stir much emotion in me. Heck, I survived losing one of the most important humans in my life, this will not defeat me.

 

I am lucky in many aspects. In God's beautiful and all knowing way he walked before me...preparing the way. He gave me all the tools I need to heal this broken body, and He will restore my broken heart as well. As long as I am a willing vessel. That's always the hardest part isn't it. He gives us the answers to each and every problem this world is going to throw at us, yet we in our human expression of free will we reject the simple acceptance of His and force our own. I have all the supplements to alleviate the symptoms, and the formula to cure the problem. And like all things in this world, it won't be simple, even with all the pieces to the puzzle you still have to do your due diligence to slowly put them together.

 





The hardest thing in this season of my life is balancing all the emotional trauma and still maintaining the relationships around me. I don't know how to explain it properly, and for those who haven't walked this valley may not be able to empathize, but I lost who I am. I don't know how to be a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a friend...and some days I don't want to. It is a daily struggle to decide whether or not I'm going to lay down and die with her or get up and try and live without her. Thankfully God intercedes on the days I choose the former. It is hard to reconcile the joy I feel for my mom and her new life in heaven, and the sadness I feel for being left behind. Most of my thoughts are irrational, I worry about her being up there without me, because I am finding it hard to breathe down here without her. I'm glad she isn't in that same space of heartache that I am experiencing but I also can't understand it. She knew this was going to be hard for me, she told me as much and tried to prepare me for this. I want to honor her, and I want to be the person that she saw in me, she was my greatest encourager. It's not even so much that I can't live without her, it's that I don't want to. I know this must be a tough space to navigate in for Sully, and for my kids. Grief is minute by minute, and I don't even know what will trigger a breakdown. You would think it might be something obvious, but sometimes it's the obscure. You can't anticipate it, control it, or understand it. But strangely I've never felt more alive, than in the midst of this despair.

This blog has always been therapeutic for me, it might not always make sense and I am sure I contradict myself on any given day. I never understood my need to share, and many of my friends/family don't find it as redeeming of a quality as my mom did. She has always encouraged me to continue writing, and sharing. She sent me a song by Francesca Battistelli called 'If We're Honest' and she wrote 'This reminded me of you, and your boldness to share. You are so confident in what God speaks to your heart, and I admire that quality in you. You didn't get that from me ;)"

Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest

 

Thank you for reading my blog, and your patience as I muddle my way through.