"Time has a way of showing us what really matters"

I broke up with Facebook.

I was critically assessing the life of someone close to me, and realized that while I was holding the tweezers in my own hands trying to pluck the speck of sawdust out their eyes the overwhelming tree lodged in my own was protruding. I hate it when that happens! Facebook for me had become an addiction, an escape from dealing with the overwhelming task of rebuilding my life. Every time I would find purpose, energy, gumption or motivation instead of seizing it I would squander it instead. Maybe it was because Facebook gave me the control to only expose what I wanted the world to see, not the reality that lurked beneath those filtered photos and preplanned posts. Truth is, my real life is messy, I liked having the façade that Facebook provided. It almost had me fooled.

Sometimes removing something from your life gives you perspective. You realize when you deactivate your account and remove that app just how much you miss it. Something that really surprised me was that at any moment in my day there was down time, I was reaching for my phone...searching for that F in the blue box. Being a stay at home mom Facebook has always been my portal to the outside world. I could socialize with humans who wanted to talk about more than bugs & barbies. There was a way to keep some semblance of my own identity, aside from just being Sully's wife and Aiden/Charlee's mom. A place where I could find validation, relationship, and community. Unfortunately the downside of that is I never attempted to seek it in real life, because it was just so much easier online. Friends are only invited into your home when it is clean, they only see you when you look your best, it's so much easier just giving everyone your highlight reel rather than exposing them to the outtakes. In the end you blur the lines so much that the reality is so disappointing you'd rather just live in the illusion.

When used with intention Facebook is a beautiful tool. It can help a mommy entrepreneur run her business from home, it can keep us in touch with our friends/family near and far, it can keep us up to date on events locally and around the globe, and it can journal our lives so we can look back and remember what we were feeling, thinking, and doing on any given day. And just like in all things, there is a flip side. For me Facebook alienated me from real relationships, distracted me from my family, fed my insecurities, enhanced my anxiety, and ultimately kept me from living an actual life. So for the time being, I had to part ways.

It's been over two weeks now without social media of any kind, and there have certainly been days where I wanted to reconcile. I figure that discomfort it just further evidence that my priorities are amuck. I know my day is far more productive without the constant distractions Facebook provides. I am a more attentive wife and mother. I have a lot less drama in my life too. I think taking this break is necessary to achieving goals I have set out for myself, but I also think that establishing healthier habits when it comes to Facebook in the future is the key.

By the time you read this I will have already reactivated my Facebook account. I'm hoping to use the perspective I've gained in my absence offline to change how I not only utilize my time on social media but also my content. I am a lot more honest on this blog than I am on my Facebook page, maybe because I know people who click on my blog are genuinely interested in what I have to share. Now I'm not saying that I want my dirty laundry aired publicly, nobody wants your drama...well, lets be honest we are like deer in the headlights when someone starts posting up their crazy town for everyone to see...we can't look away. BUT that's not the kind of honest transparency I am referring to. Facebook for me has created a lot of insecurities. There are mom's who look like they belong on the cover of Glamour, posting pictures of their straight A students and star athletes, and their Abercrombie model of a husband made them breakfast in bed for the third time this week. Okay, okay so that is a bit of an exaggeration...but you get the picture. The problem isn't them. The problem is my perception, or even jealousy of them. I needed to change my attitude, and find some healthy gratitude for my own life and some serious acceptance of myself before I could return to Facebook.

Fact. Comparison is the fast track to unhappiness. On a page designed to highlight our achievements, personalities, appearances, and even material possesions...it is prime breeding ground for envy. Satan probably thrives in this environment. Consciously choosing to find happiness for others instead of bitterness towards yourself is something I didn't even realize I would have to learn. Part of the issue is that I've lost sight of my purpose. I have devalued my life so much that I started believing that being a stay at home wife and mom was of lesser importance. Granted that stigma didn't just come from my oversensitive nature, unfortunately there are people who intentionally or unintentionally demoralize the position of 'homemaker'. I worked for a construction company before I met Sully, I had an office, an assistant, and I had compensation for my hard work. Not only did I receive a paycheck but I received praise and adoration for my performance. I thought it was hard work back then, and it really was. I was in charge of scheduling the customer service department and closings for the fastest growing builder in the suburbs of St. Louis, Missouri. But nothing had prepared me for the task of raising kids and running a household. When the kids were babies, my job description looked a lot different than it does now, with them both in school and taking on more responsibilities for themselves, but it doesn't get easier. For Sully and I, the decision was made when I was pregnant with Aiden that I would stay home with the kids. We built our expenses around his income and I was happy to pick up the spatula and mop and take on the job of full time house wife and mom. Some of you may not be able to identify with me at all when I say that I was severely disillusioned by the entire concept. I have enormous respect for moms in general, but there is something to be said about the stay at home mom's who do it right. Sure anyone can plop their kiddo in front of the TV with a tub of goldfish crackers and call it a day. But to the mom's who keep the house tidy, cook the meals, run the kids to their activities, teach the kids, entertain the kids, and run themselves ragged to ensure the well being and happiness of the household...well that is the hardest, often most thankless, and selfless job on the planet.

I grew up with a stay at home mom. My mom wore her apron with pride, it was genuinely the only thing she had ever wanted to do with her life. She hadn't hit the mom lotto with her own, so I think her greatest achievement in life was being the mom she had always wanted. Sure she had her flaws, and I'm sure a psychologist might say that I have some of my quirks today because of her...but overall she was an amazing mom. I knew the benefits firsthand of the lifestyle and I knew even though it wasn't my niche persay I could adapt. I thrived in the business world, how hard could not working really be? You can't hear it, but I'm laughing hysterically. I can't even count the number of times I laid disheveled on the floor of my mom's home while she rocked my baby so I could cry about how hard my life was. The days of respect, accolades, compensation, and dignity were gone. I had clocked in and was never going to clock out again and it was overwhelming & exhausting work. I still feel like I'm on a learning curve in this position and I've been at it for over eleven years!

 

I never anticipated the depression, alienation, and insecurity that I would encounter. I never anticipated the unfathomable love, higher purpose, and immeasurable rewards either. When I entered into the business world I was given a job description, I knew what was expected of me and I was able to determine from that if I was capable of delivering. Had I known what my job as mom entailed fully, I would have known right out of the gates I was painfully inept for the task at hand. I'm a social person by nature, so the part of staying at home that was the hardest for me was the isolation. Isolation bled into depression, and depression bled into insecurity and before long I was in critical condition. I should have sought out other stay at home mommies and joined forces, but I retreated more inward continuing the vicious cycle. Cooking, cleaning, and caretaking...that was my life. Sprinkled in there were these bursts of renewal. I would get motivation and start losing weight, finding joy in my mom/wife status, and life was good. Because I couldn't find my self worth, I wouldn't allow my husband or kids to acknowledge it either. It was this extreme teeter totter, and I decided at which extreme we landed on. When I was in a good place things were in order, the kids were on a good schedule, meals were on the table, the house was in order, bills were paid, Sully's needs were met, the scale went down, the overall mood and tone of our family was up. When I was in a bad place things were amuck. The kids were off their schedules, meals were microwavable, the house looked more like an episode of hoarders, bills piled up on the desk, Sully & I fought, the scale went up, and the overall mood and tone of the family was down. Can you imagine living like that for over a decade? Albeit there were things that Sully did to exacerbate the situation, ultimately it was my inability to choose happiness. I anchored myself to my expectations and I let them sink me to the bottom. My expectations of the kids, my expectations of Sully, my expectations of myself and even my expectations of God were unrealistic & unreasonable.

 

 

 

So it probably seems like I went off on a bit of a tangent with the whole 'stay at home' mom rant...don't worry it has relevance to the original topic of Facebook...it's about to come full circle, hang in there with me. Facebook was two evils for me as a stay at home mom. The first being the perfect place to hide, and the other it was an instrument of destruction for my self esteem. Losing my mom was a catalyst that exposed so many things to me all at once. It's like a bomb going off in front of you, and your body unprotected takes on the shrapnel. Granted I am not summing up the entirety of my life as a wife/mom as a loss. I am just acknowledging that I am aware of a need to do better. They say the first step to changing your ways is recognizing the behavior, and truthfully that first step is harder than it sounds. We as humans have this innate ability to justify our bad behavior. I'm this way because of this or that. Facebook was NEVER the problem..it was my reaction to it that has landed me in this world of unsatisfactory. Motherhood & Marriage were also NEVER the problem...but rather my expectations that landed me in this world of disillusionment. And Satan is right there on my shoulder telling me it is just to late to fix this, the damage is done...but thankfully Satan only has power over me if I allow it and God's TRUTH rings louder in my ears.

 

 

I had this amazing Sunday School teacher when I was in high school. He had a passion for God that was infectious. He encouraged me a lot throughout my adult life, and he often used Philippians 4:11-13 to do that. He, like my mom, lived out his life here on earth as a testament to Christ. Sometimes we lose sight of just how important we are in the eyes of our creator, we allow the world to seep in and corrupt our hearts and minds. Sometimes it takes tremendous heartache to give us perspective, but it's up to us to continue that focus throughout our lives, using wisdom and discernment to filter out the things that trip us up.