"Years end is neither an end nor a begining but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us..."

2017. This will always be the year I lost my mom. There are days when I am in this place of joy, because I know that my loss was heaven's gain. Then there are days when it just breaks my heart that I can't talk to her, hug her, or hear her sweet voice again on this earth. I feel so blessed that I was gifted time to say 'goodbye'...that I got to have those conversations one only has when their mortality is realized. I know it came at the cost of her long suffering. It's crazy that the one person I want to share all that I have learned from this excruciating experience is her. The girl that entered into 2017 twelve long months ago is not the same girl that is heading into 2018. I am forever changed.

Goodbye. My mom needed us to get on board with her dying. Initially we clung very much to the idea that chemo/radiation would knock it back and give us more time. And honestly there was always this little seed of hope, that God would just miraculously heal & restore her. But I realized how lonely dying must be, and I decided that I would give up what I wanted, needed, & so desperately hoped for and walked through the valley with her instead. It was foreign for me, to be realistic. After all, I am the girl with the rose colored glasses. There was nothing left unspoken when God called her home. It was my beautiful Mom who greeted me when I came into this world and took my first breath into existence, and I was there when she departed into glory and breathed her last.

"Where there is deep grief, there was great love." 

Mending. Would you believe it if I told you my marriage almost didn't survive 2017? In January Sully lost his beloved step-father Terry in an automobile accident. This came on the heels of losing a very dear friend of ours in a diving incident in Hawaii. And the catalyst that set it all off was my mom's diagnosis with terminal cancer.  I think you tend to each have coping mechanisms when you go through what we went through over this past year. And I am fairly sure that Satan seizes the opportunity when you are in a weak and vulnerable state as well. Couple that with our human flaw to be self seeking and you have quite a recipe for disaster. For me there was no balance in caring for my mom and continuing to care for my family. I still can't fathom what it must have been like for my kids, there was just zero stability in their lives during that period of time. Sully coped by staying busy, he took every opportunity to lead avalanche classes on his days off or take extended trips to ride. When the snow melted he went right into building projects and developing our property. At the time I didn't understand why Sully was adding to my stress with his absence, I felt like he needed to be present. We didn't communicate, we accused. We didn't listen, we blamed. We didn't cling to each other, we drifted apart. If losing our loved ones wasn't hard enough, the loneliness we felt during that time felt unbearable. At one point we discussed separation. I think I realized during this very difficult season of our marriage just what a risk love really is. There are no guarantees because each person involved has free will. You will never be more vulnerable that when you entrust your heart to someone. I remember vividly the fear I felt when I wasn't blanketed in the comfort of the covenant we had made twelve years ago. Those promises to love, cherish, and honor each other through thick and through thin seemed empty. I wish I could say there was this aha moment, you know for dramatic effect and all. There really wasn't. Sully and I spent a hitch talking, writing emails, not talking, and talking again...trying to decide how to fix the mess we made. When he stepped off the chopper that week we hadn't figured anything out, but something was just different. He was different, and in turn I started to follow suit. We didn't hash out and rehash out our grievances, honestly nothing was discussed....but everything was changed. Our little family day by day slowly healed. They say "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person" and that is one of the most honest marriage quotes I've ever heard. It's committing to stay the course in-between that is truly a test of your faith. By the grace of God we have survived everything that should have torn us apart, and we are stronger because of it.

"Happily Ever After is not a fairytale, it's a choice."

Perspective. You learn a lot about yourself when your feet are put to the fire. Life didn't cut us any slack this year, in fact I honestly feel like it beat the ever living crap out of us. I struggled with the WHY at first. I hosted quite a pity party for myself as I questioned God like a toddler whines at their mom when she says they can't have a toy at the grocery store. Ultimately my mission to find the answers led me to finding some peace. I started to seek out the character of God, and with that I found some perspective. I dived into books by intellectual gurus like Philip Yancey, I consulted the bible in true precepts fashion (my mom would be so proud), and I talked it out firsthand with my Heavenly Father. I gained wisdom, and in a lot of ways I really grew up. I think most of my life I was very confused, or maybe even ignorant to WHO God really is. I skipped over the Old Testament and hinged my faith in Jesus because I could identify with Him. But you can't truly know the Son without first knowing the Father. We humans are always trying to make God fit into our boxes, when we don't like something we sweep it under the rug or skip over it and cherry pick the things we do like. I had to go back under the rug sorta speak and address the God I didn't understand. As Christmas rolled around I was in the midst of figuring out the role of Jesus, and it made Christmas feel magical, just like when you were a child, in awe of the season, I felt that again. How profound it really was that Jesus gave up HEAVEN to be human, to experience the very pain and agony that sin has created in this world so that we all might receive the gift of everlasting life. When you look at the people in the bible who followed Christ you see a common theme, death to self for life in Christ. The more tethered we are to this world the harder it is to live for Him. True death gives you a whole new perspective, a small glimpse into what it's all about. It really hit home for me when I took a cold hard look at my life, and as I watched my mom assess her own as she approached heaven's gates. She had spent a lifetime obsessing over her physical appearance...her worth determined by a number on a scale. In the end, she realized that was just an idol, a tool that Satan used to keep her enslaved. Being thin lost its luster as she slowly wasted away to skin and bones. She shared with me her remorse that she had let that captivate her attention for so long because it was unimportant and had robbed her of her joy. There were other things...things you look back on and say, that was such a stupid thing to be mad about, or I should have forgiven this person, or befriended that person. And although there were definitely regrets that she shared, I was blessed to see her acknowledge the good too. It was kind of amazing to know that her children, we were her greatest achievements. It was such a blessing to watch the ebb and flow of people who came to see her in that last month of her life, so many sharing stories of how she had touched their lives. I still get stopped by people daily who want to share with me how my mom inspired them. Despite the handful of regrets she had, she loved God with all her heart and to best of her abilities she served him, by loving others. As the New Year approaches I want to take the time to look at the things I'm investing myself into and say...is this for His glory or mine? There is no shortage of distractions and it is in our very nature to be self centered, but I hope that I never lose sight of all that I experienced. It's all so fresh right now, like an open wound, but I know that as life goes on that it will eventually heal. I just don't want it to, because with the heartache I endured, I was given perspective.

"For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and to lose his soul?"

What a year. 2017 was the worst and yet best year of my life, and I would be lying if I said I am not 100% ready to bid it farewell. I am not naïve enough to think that just because it was a hellish year that 2018 will magically be any better. I am starting to fully understand that LIFE happens to all of us, some of us certainly get more than our 'fair share' of unfortunate, I have found if you think you're special all you have to do is talk to another human being and you will find they are walking through the thick of it as well, often times their struggles can dwarf yours in comparison. It really is all about attitude. Easier said than done. When life is kicking me square in the butt I am not always a ray of sunshine singing praises to God above. But I should be. And I can strive for that in 2018.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 

And what would my blog be without the never-ending story of my battle with the bulge?! After another horrendous year of health issues I started really putting some prayer and thought into the conundrum...what came first the chicken or the egg?! For me it was trying to HONESTLY analyze whether my weight gain has caused the slurry of health issues I've experienced or if there was an underlying health issue that was causing my weight gain. That was painful. When you let God in on the assessment that leaves little wiggle room for excuses or justification. I really wanted it to not be my fault, rather some genetic defection that I could blame. And sadly because of my inability to tackle this obstacle early on it has led to a much more complicated situation. I am NOT a doctor, naturopath, or even remotely qualified to diagnose anyone. But you HAVE to be your own advocate, and a little research and common sense goes along way. There will be people who treat you like your an idiot, because they are more 'educated' than you, and there are people who simply won't believe in what your doing. YOU HAVE TO DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. I took everything I was told with a grain of salt...whether it came from a medical doctor or a holistic healer. Then I researched it...in depth. For me it was a year long quest. Over a year ago I started out with a naturopathic doctor in desperation for an answer to why I was fat. I wanted him to tell me my hormones were off kilter, to pinpoint some genetic disposition, or even a disease that I could take a pill for and magically the weight would fall off. Granted there were things amuck in my system...but again, were these things caused by the expansion of my waistline? I had every bodily fluid tested, and one of those tests was to check for Candida, a pesky little fungus that everyone has in moderation in their gut. Those results came back NORMAL. I did not have an overgrowth of Candida in my gut. YAY! I knew a few unfortunate souls who were battling it and I did NOT want have to deal with what they were going through. The doc said I did have a plethora of unhealthy bacteria and not enough good so he gave me some pills and potions and told me to take them and it would all balance out. Well guess what?! I didn't really pay attention, because I really didn't believe what he was telling me. I was just wanting a quick fix to losing weight with as little work as possible and I blew him off. I took the pills he gave me to kill off the bad bugs and then I took the good bugs, but his explicit instructions to come back and get two more helpings of the good bugs must have fallen on deaf ears. I also was eating a crap ton of...well crap. If there is truly a diet wagon, well I had fallen off the wagon then tumbled off the cliff nearby. So not only was I not replenishing my system with what it needed, I was sending in an arsenal of exactly the opposite. Soon I started having insane headaches, my eyes would get bloodshot and swell, I started breaking out in hives all over my body, and the symptoms just kept coming. The most concerning was the swollen lymph nodes on my neck, and the high white count in my bloodwork. I began a gauntlet of tests, they checked for various cancers and diseases. I was poked and scanned and tested for everything under the sun. I developed food allergies that I had never had before in my life, I went from one day being able to eat peanuts to the next having a horrible reaction. Eventually I was told I had a genetic blood disease, auto immune disease, and a systemic overgrowth of Candida. Okay Joy, you asked for a good excuse...they handed you not one but three! Sadly with the diagnosis came the reality that this wasn't something I could blame on my gene pool, it was my fault that I was in this condition. Admitting that was a HUGE step. I wasn't born with any of this (well maybe the blood disease but that's the ONLY thing in that lineup that doesn't affect your weight.) According to my conventional doctor auto immune disease are incurable, and the only way to correct the Candida issue is to take pharmaceutical antifungals through an IV or orally. So back to my research I went. Ultimately what led to my demise why poor nutrition. So I researched what naturally kills candida, what naturally builds up the good bacteria in your gut. I read testimonies of people who had systemic candida that caused auto immune disease and histamine intolerances JUST LIKE MINE and they reversed it completely with diet. My doctor was unimpressed, but I was undeterred. I found a detox and diet that I felt made sense and I committed! The detox was brutal, it was a cross between the flu and the plague. For three miserable days I sipped a bone broth concoction from my bed, I was almost convinced I was dying. By day four I started to feel human again so I slowly started eating according to the Candida Diet. Talk about limited! Not only was the list small as to what you were allowed to eat, some of it was rather gross. When you cut out dairy, sugar, red meat, grains, starch, gluten, and even certain fruits, nuts, and veggies you really start to feel it. I am nearly three months into this and I have noticed so many amazing things. My symptoms, although still present, are getting better. The things that were healthy and tasted awful in the beginning are no longer so pungent, and I actually crave them. The coolest part is the processed foods are no longer tasty, but have an awful chemical taste now. I am almost down 20 pounds as a bonus. Everybody is different, and how Candida affected me may not be true to someone else who has an overgrowth. At first I didn't even believe what I was reading, but I am a true believer now. NOT ALL auto immune diseases are caused by Candida, but I truly believe that anyone with an autoimmune disease would find ease of symptoms with change in diet. I hope that by changing my lifestyle permanently to eat for nutrition vs. enjoyment/comfort I can completely reverse not only Candida but also the autoimmune issues and histamine intolerance...and result in a healthy weight. 

"The food you eat can be the safest form of medicine, or the slowest form of poison."

But to truly fix ALL OF THE ABOVE, you have to deal with that blasted chicken...or is it the egg?! For me food is more like an addiction, or a better word might be an idol. Unfortunately not all addictions are as socially acceptable as gluttony. I'm not so sure why when we address weight it isn't treated more like drug abuse or alcoholism. Although if we take a good hard look at how we address those addictions it is often with more judgement than empathy, and not effective anyway. Ultimately for me I see no difference. Whether your vice is drugs, alcohol, or food...all are destructive in their own right. Anything that takes the place of God in your life is going to fall into the place of an idol, even the most innocent and seemingly GOOD things can be just as 'addicting' as what we perceive as BAD things. My biggest goal is not trading in one idol for another, like obsession over health. Both are self centered, whether I'm eating or jogging to soothe a broken heart...neither are productive if I'm not seeking GOD in it. In my pursuit to heal I quickly realized how fast we can shift from one to the other. The more I looked at Jesus, and the apostles, the more I started to notice that concern over our earthly bodies should never be our main focus. Self preservation is Satan's latest and greatest distraction for the Christians of this world. Whatever we put our energy, there within lies a clue as to who we serve.

"We make a god out of whatever we find most joy in. So find your greatest joy in God and be done with all idolatry"

More recently, even after all my success, negative thoughts have plagued me. Those negative thoughts are the greatest triggers into relapse, and it has been a really tough thing to overcome. One of the lies that I keep buying into is that the past 10-12 years were wasted. I look back at the bulk of my children's lives and see a person I never wanted to be. I start to indulge the sentiment that Sully only stayed with me out of pity and that he was never attracted to me. Each negative thought breeds and gives birth to more. The other night I felt so depressed and worthless I kept thinking, I should just give up. I have to much weight to lose, I already wasted so much of my life being fat. Before I gave in and buried my sorrows in some chips and cookies I took out a photo album. I flipped through the photos. There I was...sledding with my kids. Snowmachining with my sister. Hiking with my mom. Fishing with my Dad. Camping with my husband. Even though I wasn't in the size of jeans I longed to be in, even though I was usually holding up the healthy folks with my out of shapeness....I have for over a decade continually TRIED. That in itself is a testament. I wish I had figured it all out back when I only had to lose the 'baby weight' I had gained during my first pregnancy. But ultimately I look back over the past 10-12 years in gratitude. It took all of these experiences, all of the heartache, the loss, the pain...to bring me to this point. This is my testimony. And the beautiful thing in that lesson, is that came from the unbelievable love of my husband. Who patiently allowed me to figure this all out often at the expense of his own happiness. If he had given up on me, and I gave him every reason to, I would have never fought my way out. And just because the world doesn't always acknowledge obesity as a symptom of addiction, it doesn't make it any less true. And just like my addiction affected my relationship with my Creator, it also created a wedge in my relationship with my husband.

"Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life."

The one thing that completely changed my life over this past year was the pursuit of God. The more time I spent with Him, the looser my grip on the things of the world became. I realized no diet, no change, no goal is worth anything if we do not approach it with the faith that GOD is the only way we can achieve anything worthwhile here on this earth. And sometimes our goals need to be set aside so we can be used for HIS will. I wanted to be thin, but he is using my struggle in HIS timing to teach me things I might not have been able to learn otherwise. I have learned so much about free will, and I'm amazed at how many times I have blamed God for circumstance in my life that were a direct result of MY OWN FREE WILL. Being a parent I get a glimpse into what that must feel like, to watch your child choose something with dire consequences only to have them blame you for their mistake. Yet even after all I have put him through, he still extended his grace to me freely.

"Free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or joy or goodness worth having."

I haven't really made any resolutions for 2018. I will probably make a list of all the things I would like to strive for in the New Year, I'm a goal setter at heart. The problem has always been my follow through. Thankfully every day we are blessed with is a new opportunity. I just want to make each one count.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end...they are new every morning."