"Your child will follow your example...not your advice"

I took a three week road trip across the lower forty-eight recently, (for those of you non-Alaskans the continental United States is the lower 48😉) I had a lot of time to think, your mind can really wander when it is endless rows of cornfields as far as the eye can see. Being in tight quarters with my kids for twenty-one days shed some light on where I need to grow as parent, and where I can relax. Kids are really just little mirrors of us. If what we see staring back at us isn't pleasant we really only have one person to blame. I think I began the trip out thinking of all the ways I was going to revamp my techniques, change up my discipline styles and reinforce rules. But as the days passed, and the miles increased, God continually showed me that what I really needed to do was much more difficult. The change didn't need to happen in my parenting, but in me as a parent.

So, to fully articulate this well I will have to expose my shortcomings, and that is never easy. In the world we live in today, we like to keep ourselves buttoned up. But God is always there reminding me, that's not TRUTH. Truth is nobody is perfect. The human in me wants to control the perception people have of me. I want to protect me, and my family from unloving judgey people. But God continually prompts me to let go of what I can't control and trust Him to work through my imperfection.

"Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" Luke 6:45 This is where it all hits home for me. This is where I am sorely in default in my own life, and unfortunately it is what is glaring back at me through my kids. I have been trying to parent in that ridiculous mindset, 'Do as I say, not as I do'. I established rules for my kids to follow but then lived outside of that. There was such a error in my thinking. For so many years I'd tell me kids, "You can't watch that it's not for kids" when I would indulge in a R rated movie. Or "Don't use bad language, it's disrespectful and displeasing to God" and yet when a driver cuts me off the first word that rolls of the tongue is "@#$%!" What a mixed message.

Truth. I used to NEVER cuss. If I saw someone cuss in front of their kids it would make me cringe. Anyone who knew me a decade ago would probably be shocked to find that I not just cuss but I cuss often, AND in front of my kids. So it is no surprise that my kids are now little potty mouths just like their mother. Some people might think there's no harm in that. But I know better. I know that I was entrusted with these little souls to bring them up better than the worlds standards, and God was very clear in the scriptures as to how we should conduct ourselves. Ephesians 4:29 it says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen, every word is a gift"  I have been squandering my gifts, instead of edifying I have been discouraging.

Undoing is much harder than establishing good habits in the first place. I continually find myself in the undoing. Why I choose to do things the hard way is beyond me. Habits are hard to break. Because it doesn't just begin in the actions themselves, it begins in the strongholds we've forged in our minds. Satan loves to work in the strongholds. Because we believe that something that so established is unfixable. We limit God in this. Or at least I do. I allow the lies to disparage me to even try to change. And all that is necessary to break free from the bondage is to understand that I simply can't do it on my own, and to accept the Lords help..."For I am the Lord your God, who upholds your right hand, Who say's to you 'Do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

There are a lot of people who will justify bad language, I was one of them. I've learned justification of bad behavior is just a way to escape what you don't want to admit. The worlds standards are muddy. All you have to do is turn on the tv to see where the cultural lines are drawn on what is considered 'appropriate' talk nowadays. Going back to the scripture in Luke about the overflow of the heart. It's sad to think what comes out of our mouths reflects who we are as people. At least in my case it is. Because honestly I am not proud of what is pouring out.

One thing I've noticed consistently, not just in my little family unit but overflowing into my friends, relatives, and even acquaintances is gossip. I was not privy to much as a kid. I certainly know there was drama swirling about me in my younger years but for the most part, I was blissfully unaware. I was able to establish my own opinions of others without a lot of influence on what my parents opinions were of them was. Granted there are instances when you need to warn your children of dangerous people, and that is not what I am referring to. But our petty adult squabbles shouldn't be bleeding over into our kids lives. Our kids shouldn't be hearing the nitty gritty details of other peoples business. Not only should we not be discussing other peoples business in front of our children, but we shouldn't be discussing other people at all. In James 4:11-12 it says, "Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one is able to save and destroy. Who are you to judge your neighbor?" What example are we giving our kids if we are slanderers. Gossip is just as justifiable as cussing is. We placate ourselves with excuses as to why we are discussing, yet we would be hurt if the tables were turned. We can deceive only ourselves with the concept that we are good intentioned when we gossip. More importantly it's extremely damaging to our children.

I have had kids repeat the hurtful things their parents have spoken about me in private. Kids are not malicious in repeating things either, rather trying to figure out the truth, because what they believed of my character didn't align with what they were experiencing when spending time with me. How often do we say things negatively about other people in front of our kids? Would we appreciate that getting back to them? Well guess what?! It will. If we wouldn't be comfortable saying something to a persons face, we certainly shouldn't be saying it behind their back.

Ultimately I am shedding the idea that there is some sort of age appropriate barrier for sin. That somehow an adult saying the F word, or watching an obscene movie,  or listening to music with foul content, or gossip, or negativity, or judgement is okay. Because if we want our kids to emulate Jesus, which is what every Christian human should be striving for in their own lives, we have to lead by example. If our kids are disappointing in behavior, chances are we are leading the charge. God will always bring to light what we want to keep hidden. But we ultimately have the free will to change, what we do with the unveiling of our transgressions is entirely up to us.