"You can’t hate yourself happy. You can’t criticize yourself thin. You can’t shame yourself worthy. Real change begins with self-love and self-care."

I'm off to rough start. My resolutions for 2020 are laminated and stuffed in a folder on my desk, but motivation has eluded me to tackle them. I went to the doctor because I was worried I might have something wrong with me, and he handed me a pamphlet about Seasonal Affective Disorder. I think it's safe to assume most Alaskans might be suffering from that right about now. Was this not the longest winter EVER?! Between the months of bitter cold; freeze the air in your lungs, frostbite your toes weather and the sheer abandonment of the sun it's hard not to feel morose. 😏 My doctor  asked me if I have done anything different this winter that I didn't winters previous that may have contributed to this case of melancholy. I didn't hesitate to point out that this was our first year not leaving the state for a tropical destination. 🏝 (Curse you responsible financial decisions!) We also had a traumatic summer/fall with a heavy helping of grief over the loss of Sully's brother and cherry on the crap cake was the disappearance of our dog Kimber. But I have already lamented in length over my repugnance for 2019 as a whole, so I won't digress.

My doctor offered me a prescription for the latest and greatest anti depressant as a temporary solution to my diagnosis. While I would never offer an opinion to ANYONE on whether or not they should take anti-depressants, I personally do not feel inclined to do so. I asked my doctor what he would do with a diagnosis of S.A.D. He honestly said that before he would treat pharmaceutically; he would try exercise, change of diet, & light therapy. I kinda knew that would be his answer, I was just hoping there was a magical easier route. 🦄 While we chatted, I glanced at his computer screen and saw the tabs of all my visits displayed. The chart that showed my weight over the past decade or so glared at me and I was overcome with how little progress I've made on the colorful graph stretched across the monitor, dots going slightly up and down similar to a graph showing a steady heartbeat. Not the more pleasant downward scaled graph one likes to see when tracking weight. 😖

It's like I bought a piece of ground on square one and built a house. I wander towards my goals but I always come back to my parcel at square one, where it's safe and easy. I know that although it feels that way, and probably looks that way on the medical chart...the truth is I'm not at square one...I began an ascent long ago. I no doubt have sat on my big booty and slid backwards down that mountain a time or two, but I know that emotionally I have scaled some grueling terrain. While I am no mountaineer with climbs like Mount McKinley or Mount Everest under my belt, there is a no name mountain on the way through Turnagain, just outside of Hope, that I once crawled up. Literally. On my hands and knees. 😓 There were parts of that journey where it was easier. The slope wasn't as steep, the breeze kept me cool and there were plenty of even places to put my feet. But most of the hike was arduous, there were places where I wanted to quit (or push poor Sully and his 'go team go' chanting booty right off that cliff). The process of that particular climb has always helped me to put things in perspective. We get distracted by looking at the summit, the end goal. When we realize the sheer magnitude of what it is going to require to get there, some of us...give up. 🙋🏻‍♀️ I did that hike with Sully and my mom. Two athletic, type A, and motivated humans. If you have a mountain to climb, a real one or a hypothetical one, find the people that love you enough to push you. We often seek out the enablers because we like to feel justified in our complacency. Even though I wanted to punch both of them at various stages of the trek, their tenacity gave me the strength I needed to finish. Had I been left to my own devices, I would have never experienced the reward. When we made it to our goal that day, .I wanted to puke...or die...or maybe both. But I can't deny the feeling of accomplishment, and the transcendent beauty of the landscape that stretched out before me.  A view that's brilliance is one part  acknowledgement of God's handiwork, and one part appreciation for the labor it took to behold it. I just don't believe that if you a rode a tram to the top you could observe it with the same reverence than when you have to toil to get there. I am convinced that is why God allows us to experience the struggle. 💪🏼

I haven't named this hypothetical mountain that I'm currently climbing in my life. Initially I would have surmised it should be called 'Weightloss Range'. But I have since decided this isn't as much of a battle with the bulge as it is a transformation of the mind. While my ever increasing waistline is a symptom, maybe even it's own small outcropping...ultimately it isn't in itself the peak.  When I was in high school my pastor challenged the youth group to memorize Romans Chapter 12. In verse 2 it says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will." I never, ever, realized how hard it is to change your way of thinking. My thoughts towards myself are vile. I can extend empathy, grace and love towards everyone else. Even for people who are undeserving of it. But I withhold those things vehemently from myself.

Have you ever read 'The Battlefield of the Mind' by Joyce Meyer? I have read it multiple times. I have underlined it, highlighted it, folded the pages...yet I still struggle immensely with it's message. Joyce points out "When a person is going through a hard time, their mind wants to give up. Satan knows that if he can defeat us in our mind, he can defeat us in our experience. That's why it is so important that we not lose heart, grow weary and faint." That really impacts my soul. Because I know there is such a war going on in my spirit. I wish I had all the answers as to why. Why do I sabotage myself? Why do I grapple with change? Why do I think so defectively? Why do I chose to submit to the negative habits and resist the positive ones? "The pathway to freedom begins when we face the problem without making excuses for it." Maybe that is the answer in all its simplicity. Maybe we don't need to dissect the why of it all, instead set ourselves free by just facing it head on. Everyday. Intentionally. I like to watch 'My 600 Pound Life', it's always interesting to listen to their perspective on how they ended up there. 99.9% of the time they blame circumstances or other people. While I completely empathize with the sentiment, I know that this self victimization is a catalyst for failure in the long run. And I can also say that it's this line of thinking that has landed me in the same boat. While I am not 600 pounds, I am not where I want to be.

"You cannot have a positive life, with a negative mind." Here lies within this dictation, the bitter root of the battle. While in general I am a very positive person, especially towards others. I do not tender such benevolence towards myself. How can I believe that God loves me unconditionally when I am handicapped by my own self loathing? How can I trust that Sully loves me, if I live in a constant state of self deprecation? What am I exhibiting to my kids with this behavior? Will their self confidence be affected by my inadequacy? I think the epiphany in all of this, is that in all these years...on the wagon, off the wagon, on the wagon...Satan has always had a foothold. That foothold has always been that I live in bondage in how I perceive myself. That while I believed that God is love, somehow that love didn't apply to me. I wasn't worthy. Even worse, I was hopeless. But that climb that I was referring to earlier...that formidable trek up the mountain that I have been on all these years. That is where I am progressing. Understanding, acknowledging, and accepting these hard truths about myself, and working towards overcoming them.

I wish renewing our minds was a one time deal. Unfortunately it is an everyday process, one you have to intentionally notice and rebuke. I've realized that 9 times out of 10 the things I assume people are thinking about me are irrational and unfounded. But even if someone speaks their judgements on me, their perceptions...that doesn't define me, nor should it derail me. If I was transparent, I would say that I can be mean spirited towards others when I am disparaged. That is a direct reflection of my shortcomings not theirs. So it would be safe to assume that if someone is being judgmental of me, they are unhappy with themselves as well. 🤷🏻‍♀️And a good indication that we are struggling with something is when we are defensive if a topic is brought up. "Defensiveness often reveals an area in our lives where we are in denial." I think this applies to me in how I respond to Sully. He is very limited in how honest he can be about these touchy subjects I'm addressing in this blog. To be clear he has never been unkind in his approach. And I do not buy into the narrative that men are shallow when they voice their concerns regarding their wives physical appearance. Women are strange creatures to me in this regard. It is one of those taboo topics that is off limits, and it shouldn't be. If Sully gained 50, 60, 70 pounds I would be equally concerned about his health, both physically and mentally. I won't lie, he's extremely attractive and I appreciate that. I like that he stays fit, that he takes care of himself. Although, there is a smidgen of a conundrum in that...his physique is in large part because of his hobbies. His hobbies are time consuming and often away from home. His being away from home has contributed to my loneliness. My loneliness has created unhealthy coping mechanisms like binging...What a tangled web we weave. 🥴

So here we are. February 2020. I cannot change the past. But I can learn from it. I can recognize the obstacles in my life that contribute to my unhappiness and find balance. But most importantly I can allow God to change  my mind. I can drop the baggage that weighs me down, the feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. I can condition myself to see what God sees in me, and to believe it wholeheartedly. I can choose to keep fighting my way  up that mountain., knowing  that there will likely be another. But also acknowledging that this journey will equip me for the next climb, and the one after that. Transformation comes after the renewing of our minds. So this step is pivotal in progressing forward. And if Sully, my family, and my friends...and if my Heavenly Father still has hope in me advancing...then really the only hold up is ME.