“Always do your best…what you plant now, you harvest later.”

I haven’t blogged in over a year. Honestly, I felt suddenly entirely inept to human last year, let alone share publicly my blunderings through it. I’m not entirely sure why I logged in today, could be a prompting from the Holy Spirit to be vulnerably transparent about my struggles in a world where it can often feel polarizing and lonely, because social media makes it look like everyone else on this planet has their crap together, and I do NOT. OR it could be this is my way to process through my untidy life and provide some accountability for myself to tackle some of it, cause now you all know my business. Either way…I am here.

I was unbelievably blessed to have my mom’s support and encouragement for my first decade of motherhood. I cannot even express how much I miss her in this current season. She tried in that last year of her life to prepare me for the perils that lay ahead. She stated simply, “Your children are going to break your heart. Trust God.” Honestly, I know in those discussions she was finally able to grasp it for own Mother’s heart. I know, she knew, it would take me my lifetime to comprehend the gravity of that profoundly beautiful proclamation. Truthfully, as I sat on her couch holding her frail hand, I pitied her heartaches in motherhood, ones that I certainly caused and ones that I didn’t. But I didn’t believe that my precious children, who were still ten and seven, could possibly break my heart.

I was wrong.

I wasn’t yet aware of what happens when you hit those pre-teen and teenage years. Even hearing about friends’ experiences who had gone valiantly onward into battle before me, I pitied them too. It was a foreign concept altogether for me that the children that once curled into my chest covering my face in sweet kisses would not just grow out of my lap, but also, they would begin that excruciatingly painful process of becoming their own person. And while I expected it in theory, I had no concept of what it would look and feel like during the process.

I also had no idea how it would look in this current cultural climate. What a weird world we are raising these kids up in. To say that my current state of emotion is a constant state of discouraged would be an understatement. While logically I can understand that nothing is new under the sun, and God has already overcome the world…it hits different when my kids are in the mix. When I, just a couple years ago, had this security blanket of salvation over them in their childhood; as they begin to embark into the age of accountability, that warm fuzzy confidence is shaken.

It is such a strange place when your child goes from trusting everything you say, to questioning it. Allowing them the room to think critically for themselves, even when at times it looks like the sway of the world is going to topple the moral foundation you so laboriously built from their inception, is the ultimate test of your patience. It is only first quarter of Charlee’s first year of junior high, and Aiden’s first year of high school…and I have already threatened a multitude of times to move to the interior of Alaska homeschool and live off the grid until they reach adulthood. The desire to shelter them from the world is overwhelming. But I know that it will only delay the inevitable. The best thing I can do for these hoodlums of mine is equip them as best as I can to LIVE in this crazy world. I have to believe that I serve a GOOD God.

The year before last, when my world shifted drastically.…my bible studies were all geared directly at marriage. I didn’t fully understand the why then, but I certainly can appreciate the foresight of the Holy Spirit. That year of preparation for things to go sideways between Sully and I saved me. Then this past year while Sully and I rebuilt our marriage my bible studies have been aimed at self-care. Helping me identify and sort through my traumas, flaws and hang ups. It would only make sense that as I grow and mature in myself, the new direction of my studies will be geared towards parenting and relationships with my kids. Always a work in progress. I will never understand how anyone navigates life without the Lord. Without Him I would not have survived the last year, I certainly wouldn’t be grateful for it either.

Being grateful for hardship, what a strange anomaly. Sometimes I get so engrossed with my circumstances I miss the opportunities for God to really grow me. I get so mired in the offense that’s been done to me I can’t appreciate the opportunity for reconciliation. The turmoil that Sully and I endured over this past year was necessary. Without going into too much detail…because that is where Satan lives isn’t it? ‘The devils in the details’. Despite our best intentions, and our love for one another our marriage was weak and flimsy without the bedrock of Christ. It doesn’t excuse bad behavior to acknowledge that despite it you were able to grow. So many people misunderstand me when I say I’m thankful for what we went through, could we have achieved the same growth without all the pain and suffering we endured because of poor choices? YES! But that is not how our story played out. Paths were chosen and decisions were made, and we were left with the fallout. As we enter into this difficult season of parenting though…I am really grateful it is the two of us after all that vs. the two of us before.

So, what are we to do with what lay ahead of us as Christian parents raising humans in this nefarious environment?

Well quite frankly…I don’t know. The verse that just keeps popping up for me is Galatians 6:9: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” If there was ever a time to press on, I would say cultivating the souls of our children is one of them. I know there is no promise when free will in involved. I have relationships with adults who have yet to experience the harvest part, they are still toiling in the soil with their grown children. But their steadfastness in the task encourages me. We are an instant gratification people, serving a very patient Heavenly Father. I know in my case I am constantly handing God the things that I have no control over, just to yank it back to mangle it into submission to my will. The last part of my wise mother’s advice getting lost on my untrusting soul…TRUST GOD. What an ask. Even though He has proven to me in every single instance that He is a GOOD God, I struggle with this.

This verse in Galatians talks about the harvest. So often I wander through the grocery store with my cart, fairly ignorant of what occurred to give me the things I so hastily purchase. With it being October, the bins filled with pumpkins come to mind. I did a little research, and pumpkins are finicky creatures to harvest let me tell ya! Did you know the optimum  soil temperature for a pumpkin seed is 95 degrees? Pumpkins require full sun and vine varieties need 50 to 100 square feet per hill. They are big greedy feeders which require rich soil that is well-drained with lots of compost and aged manure. Farmers must contend with bugs, so covers are required to protect the young pumpkin but then they also need removed to allow for pollination. There’s this intricate balance that goes on where the pumpkins need lots of water but you have to be so very careful to keep foliage and fruit dry because dampness will cause rot and other diseases. They must be fertilized often, and as the fruit grows they need to be turned with great care as not to hurt the vine or stem, to encourage an even shape. When the pumpkin is ripe, typically after a long growing season of 75-100 days, it will turn into a deep solid orange color. Once the pumpkins are scrupulously plucked off the vine they are left to cure in the sun for about 10 to 14 days to harden. All this work so I can swing by the bin, plop a beautiful pumpkin in my cart, take it home and let my minions carve it out for a porch ornament and eventual moose appetizer!

Obviously, pumpkins serve more purposes than just a Halloween novelty. And to the farmer who produces them, it’s their livelihood. What a process these pumpkins go through from seed to harvest. It’s enlightening to think about our kids as our harvest. Especially in the times where things aren’t looking good for our little fruits. Whether it be our fault as parents with some overwatering or maybe even neglecting to fertilize. Or maybe it’s out of our control and disease or rot has set in. The crux of the verse is to not grow weary. To keep pursuing that beautiful ripe pumpkin of a human. There are no guarantees in farming or child rearing, even the best attempts at a bountiful harvest can fail. But let us not grow weary in the hard work of raising our kids.

Let us be encouraged and encourage each other.