When you're at the end of your rope...you're at the begining of God's

I hit the lotto when I married Sully. We have had our fair share of discord over the past nearly eleven years of marriage, after all we are two very flawed human beings. But at the end of the day we are a team, and our success relies heavily on God as our coach. I'm thankful that Sully meant every word he said when he recited his vows. There were plenty of times it would have been easier to throw in the towel, but true to his character he has honored his commitment for better or for worse, till death do us part.

Recently I hit what one might call the proverbial 'rock bottom' and inevitably when two become one, well I drug him down with me. There were so many factors in what led us into the ugliness that ensued over the last couple of months. When you find someone who has seen you at your lowest point and chooses to love you through it, that is the most genuine love you can experience. It was in this dark chasm that I recently decided to inhabit, that I was able to experience some pretty amazing things. God won't leave you in your despair, He will send rescue time and time again, all we have to do is accept it.

My first rescue came through my own submission. I was clinging very tightly to fear. My mom was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and with that diagnosis came a flood of uncertainty, grief, and hopelessness. I put God in a box, a box that aligned with what the doctors and specialists were telling us. In my heart I limited what He was capable of and gave myself over to the fear of losing her. As a Christian I knew better, why choose fear when He has given us peace that passes all our understanding? John 14:7 says, "I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." God does not offer loopholes for fear. Giving God my trust when it comes to my mom is a daily battle. I wish I could say it was a one time thing and I am cured, daily I struggle with the reality of her illness and the desperation that what I want to happen, isn't necessarily what's God will is for her. But I know all to well what it looks like on the other side, and I choose peace.

My second rescue came from a sweet friend's transparency, in sharing her struggles with her own health I was able to find a physician that would connect the dots and solve an eleven year long nightmare. *Just a reminder to share your hearts if your prompted to do so, you just never know who needs to hear it, or how it will change their lives.* I have seen six doctors over the past decade or so, for an array of symptoms, and to my knowledge at the time all were unrelated. I always assumed, and was always told that my ailments during pregnancy were normal, I watched as my friends enjoyed the miracle of life, while I suffered miserably through it. After Aiden was born it continued into postpartum depression. Then in the three years that followed I developed perioral dermatitis, gingivitis, and various vitamin deficiencies. Weight was extremely hard to lose, I battled depression and anxiety. When I got pregnant with Charlee it went from bad to worse. Whenever I would see a doctor I would be told I needed to be put on an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant. When I would ask if there anything non-pharmaceutical I could do I was met with a resounding NO.

My weight loss ambitions continually fail, even when I am eating clean and exercising regularly. I was sure it was my fault, I had it in my mind if I just willed myself I could overcome this. As you have read over the course of my blog I have dug inward and tried to pin the ever increasing scale on a lack of self control but the truth of the matter is my body was working against me, and the more I attempted mental cleansing and it didn't translate on the scale then I would just get so overwhelmingly depressed. Especially when others were able to lose weight, because I knew I was working just as hard, if not harder sometimes and not seeing positive results.

To say I had given up on myself would be an understatement. When this amazing friend began sharing her experience I wanted to just cry and hug her. I think I called Sully within minutes of our meeting and did cry to him. I wasn't opposed per say to a naturopathic physician, although I generally tended to lean towards conventional medicine, I was cautiously optimistic. Sully didn't just encourage me through this process, he held my hand and walked with me every step of the way. Natural remedies is right up that mans ally, he's got a hippie side to him that felt right at home when we walked into the cozy clinic with the walls lined with potions. It wasn't the sterile environment I'd grown accustomed to. Even the doctor in his flannel shirt and jeans caught me off guard, isn't a white coat dress code? We shuffled into an exam room and we sat together and talked. It was pretty amazing to watch Sully fearlessly share what life has been like for him, but it wasn't judgement or complaining, it was genuine concern and love. I realized in that moment, I was never really in this alone. As we both shared my story the doctor scribbled notes in a notebook, it started to look more like a novel than a medical history, I kept wondering if would be classified as comedy or horror...probably a little bit of both?!

When we were done with our recap I braced myself for the doc's response. I was sure he probably thought I was crazy, I know I sure do from time to time. But to him, that mess scribbled across the lined pages in his notepad made sense. He could connect each and every symptom that has plagued me over the years into one big picture, a diagnosis. I got a little lesson on the endocrine system and the role it plays in our health our wellness. I learned about hormones, cortisol and adrenals and how when those things aren't balanced and working properly it can wreak havoc in the body. He could even show me that things I presumed were unrelated like the change in my hair, the loss of my gallbladder and the condition of my nails were all signs that things were amuck.

It was like a huge weight had been lifted. I had beat myself up for the past ten plus years, chalking up my inability to lose weight or be consistently happy to a lack of self discipline. Taking each and every failure personally. I convinced myself Sully and the kids deserved better, and that I didn't love myself, or them enough to ever change. Hearing a doctor say, "The way your body is right now, you'd have to work at it 10 x's harder than someone else to get the same results" was a beautiful gift!

Unfortunately even with all this new information there isn't a magic remedy to fix it overnight, unlike my iPhone I can't just reset it to factory settings and start over. For the next month I get to endure a gauntlet of tests, the ones I've already done are fun let me tell ya. It really sucks that insurance doesn't cover natural medicine, so the out of pocket can sure be a damper, in fact I wanted to bow out to due to the cost, but Sully was adamant it is money well spent. The doctor took pity on him and did give me a little 'angel syrup' for when I'm a crazy person. They even told me if Sully tells me I need it, I should to take it. No surprise I ended up taking a swizzle that evening, and it really works well. Once all the tests are done, then we get to start the process of healing. He was confident by the New Year we would be on the right track.

For the first time in a very long time I have a genuine hope. I would encourage any other woman who might be struggling with imbalances, who have similar symptoms to what I described to find a physician who will do the legwork to find the source of your problem not just treat the symptoms. I am excited to change my lifestyle to accommodate this process, and I hope by 2018 I can say to those of you still reading my crazy posts that I am healed. Most importantly I want to give my family my best, because they have endured a very tumultuous past eleven years unwavering and we ALL deserve a break. 

For those of you who pray, please keep my incredible mom in your prayers. That God's will be done, whether that is miraculous healing or not. Death has lost it's sting for those who have chosen Christ, but life without her carries it's own measure of grief. <3